Alright... move along if you don't want to hear a pathetic sob story from me. I'm serious, just click that little red X at the top of the screen. I don't want to deal with your rolling eyes. Sometimes, I just gotta vent to no one... and everyone. Sorry.
Do you ever find yourself thinking, "Why me?"
Why can't school just work out? Why am I the only one who can't get the hang of it?
Why am I living paycheck to paycheck... still!?
Why do I have no motivation anymore, to do anything besides sit around?
Why don't people just get to know me for once, rather than make assumption based on things they do not understand?
Why can't I catch a break!?
Why can't anyone hear me anymore?
Why do I have to keep all these things to myself??
Basically, why me??
Don't get me wrong, I have super amazing people in my life, but I feel like I don't have the ability to be super awesome to them right now.
How is it that I try to make all these great changes to my life, and yet I am in the SAME freaking boat I was in 2 or 3 years ago!? When am I going to see all these benefits!? I am getting to the point where I cannot handle the let down anymore. My expectations for myself are driving me crazy. I am not where I wanted to be at this point in my life.
*I know that Brenen is going to read this at some point and wonder what the heck that means. Don't worry babe, you are by far the BEST part of my life. I am not refering to you in that statement. Pinky promise :)*
Ya wanna know what gets to me the most? You work SO hard to get to a certain goal, and no one recognizes it. No one says "Thank you for all you do!" or "Wow, way to go!". And ya know what? I don't care. At least not for a while. But when it has been some odd years, and this is still going on.... What the heck!? Do I really not exist in your world? Do you really look right past me everyday, or is that just something I make up? How many hoops do I have to jump through before you finally give me the recognition I deserve? Obviously too many, and I am not sure why I put myself through it daily. Actually, I do. And you are so lucky that my reason for doing such things is the biggest and most important part of my life, or you would know how I felt about you and you'd never have to see me again. Boy I can't wait for that day.
I also can't wait for the day when I can give back to those closest to me, who have given me so much with no questions. When I can contribute to our future, and feel like I have something to give. When I can make it easier to look at me and be reassured that everything is going to be perfect. When I have stability. Right now, my mind is pressured by so many different thoughts and emotions, I am surprised I can function correctly.
Brenen, I love you. Thank you for keeping me on my feet when all the world wants me to fall down. I don't think I could ever tell you how much I appreciate you. I know that sometimes, I can be tough to get along with. So thank you for standing by my side. Truth be told... I'm not quite sure where I would be without you. You really do save me from myself at times. You are my best friend. I will never be able to clue you in on just how important you are to me. You are just the greatest :) Love you.
